Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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