Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
