meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
