did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
