every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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