I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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