there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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