also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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