I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
