the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
