My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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