3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
