my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
did you just send me my own nude
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
