Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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