I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
