before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
