When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
