She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
