I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
