Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
