The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
