The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize