today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
