I feel great
I just peed on a car
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
