She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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