The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
