The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
