I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
