i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
