dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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