I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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