im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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