I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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