I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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