No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
