im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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