can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
