I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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