mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
