Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize