Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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