I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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