I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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