I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
