Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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