It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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