If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
