Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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