when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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