I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I pour the whiskey from now on
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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