Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
