"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Pants are for mortals
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
