I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
