Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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