I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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