Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
