i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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