Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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