My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
